Social Media Faux Pas

Social media can be many things depending on your perspective and your mood. Sometimes it’s funny and entertaining, sometimes it’s annoying and overwhelming. It can be a great way to stay in touch with friends and family near and far, even an effective networking and marketing tool. I could sit here all day extolling the virtues and pitfalls of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, but that would be boring. Instead, I’m going to examine the lighter, more ridiculous side of the social media coin.

I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of at least a few of the indiscretions I am about to ridicule. I won’t tell you which gaffes I have committed, but I know at least one person in particular is reading this and silently judging me for having the audacity to poke fun at others for doing what I myself have done a time or two. If I have already struck a nerve and you feel I might be talking about you, I probably am and I am obviously not terribly concerned about your opinion.

And that, my friends, brings me to my first point. What you have witnessed so far is an excellent example of Vague Booking. You know, the deliberately vague status update specifically designed to illicit interest in what is happening in one’s life. The statement might imply the person is having a particularly rough day without giving details. They may post an ambiguous declaration regarding some wrong that was done to them, but they don’t care because “It’s all good!” LMAO in all caps or the laughing face emoji is used to emphasize just how little they care. Their loyal followers will respond with comments like, “I’m here for you, girl.” Or “Call me if you need to talk.” Blah, blah, blah. I usually half read these statuses, roll my eyes and scroll on by. I mean, everyone has those days they just feel like venting without going into too much detail. It happens. No need to unfollow this person just yet – unless it escalates to my next two pet peeves, The Chronic Complainer and the closely related Moral High Ground Complainer.

The Chronic Complainer never posts an update unless it’s dripping self-pity and negativity all over my laptop. You name it, they’re dealing with it and the entire internet needs to know the gory details. These people are especially annoying when their woes are what the rest of us consider to be par for the course in this game of life – cooking dinner, laundry, running the kids around, the car broke down, etc. Extra points if the post contains a photo of the box mac and cheese dinner they made after a hard day of Vague Booking. The Moral High Ground Complainer will complain in such a way as to make themselves appear morally superior to anyone with the audacity to disagree with their political, social or religious viewpoint. They fill my newsfeed with a constant barrage of “Anyone who knows me, knows…(fill in righteously angry rant of the day).” Fair warning, if you make yourself the guest of honor at a perpetual online pity party, my judgement will be harsh and swift.

Speaking of complainers, I’m going to take a moment to complain about the shit I want other people to stop complaining about. If you take time out of your busy day to update your status to include bitching about any of the following, stop. Just stop. The first is game requests and/or private chain messages. Yes, they are annoying, but guess what I do when I get a request to play a game I’m not interested in or a private message generically telling me how special I am to someone. I ignore it and continue on with my day. Just like that. Magic. No dramatics or ranty post needed. The next topic people love to complain about is the existence of political posts. It’s social media, people. Virtually every one of your friends is going to have an opinion of some sort and they will probably express it at some point. If your tender sensibilities cannot handle this fact, you have two options. Either stay off social media entirely or scroll on by. Got that? Scroll. On. By. Try it. It’s liberating.

The bright side of Facebook is the endless entertainment and validation of Darwin’s evolutionary theory. My favorite social media friends are the ones who constantly post videos of other people doing dumb shit that makes me feel better about my own life choices. Hey, I may have screwed up X, Y and Z, but at least I never got drunk and raced a Barbie Jeep down a steep and windy path in the woods, ultimately crashing into a dry stream bed I knew full well was there. I also love those who post stuff we all wish was real but can’t possibly be true. Every time I see a link promising me a free gift card for sharing a post or a status assuring me Mark Zuckerberg is giving away a million dollars to one lucky Facebooker, I silently applaud myself for not being the bottom rung on the intellectual ladder.

Love it or hate it, social media is here to stay. I say embrace the idiocy, silently judge your friends and ignore the game requests – unless they’re from me. I could use some lives on Candy Crush.

Enough yammering. I have things to do. This tequila is kicking in and I need to find the keys to my Barbie Jeep.