Not too long ago, I wrote a post about which superpowers I’d like. I still haven’t figured out how to procure said powers, but I haven’t given up. This week’s post also involves superpowers, only I’m going to talk about which ones I don’t want. Bear with me for a few minutes before you lose interest, I promise it gets better.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were out fishing for stripers. For those of you who don’t know, every April and May striped bass swim up the Hudson River, sometimes as far as Albany, to spawn and to snack on the delicious herring. Normally, people around here don’t eat fish out of the Hudson on account of the massive amounts of PCB’s dumped into the Hudson in the 1970’s. However, because the striped bass do not live in the Hudson most of the year, it is generally considered safe to eat them.
But, I digress. On this particular day, we weren’t having any luck catching stripers. We were, however, excellent at catching eels (so gross) and catfish. I personally caught three large, tasty looking catfish. Had these yummy little morsels come from any other waters, they would have spent their evening wearing a crispy coat of seasoned batter and lounging on a bed of French fries. Unfortunately, for the reasons listed above, we released the potentially radioactive little mutants back into their pollutant infested waters, free to swim and frolic with their three-eyed buddies.
Alright, perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit. I’m pretty sure PCB’s don’t make animals radioactive and I’ve never personally seen a fish with three eyes, but it did get me thinking about which radioactive animal I wouldn’t mind obtaining superpowers from. You know, like Spiderman.
I am positive I do NOT want to be Catfish Woman. I won’t even begin to examine the many levels of gross the name implies, so let’s just leave it alone.
What animal would I want to be a superhero version of? Cats of any kind are cool, with their agility and sharp claws, but it’s been done. Batgirl? Aquaman? Done and done. I hate frogs and have no desire to live underwater, anything aquatic or amphibious is out. While we’re at it, let’s cross reptiles off the list, too. I’d like my skin to remain smooth and supple. An eagle would be awesome. I’d be able to fly and my costume could have lots of pretty feathers on it, maybe a nice headdress. Hmm. I’d need to be careful not to cross into Big Bird territory, though. And, I certainly don’t want to look like I should be holding a sign advertising fried chicken. The eagle idea is officially on hold while I consider my options.
A porcupine? My hair would be a cool spiky Mohawk and I’d love to be able to shoot sharp quills at those who annoy me, but what would I be called? Porcupine Girl? It would take approximately five minutes for my sisters to shorten that name to Porky Girl. No thanks.
Dogs are by far my favorite animals, but what superpowers could I hope to attain? I wouldn’t be able to defeat my enemies by licking their faces or by barking at every squirrel I see. I mean, I guess if I harnessed the bite pressure of the stronger breeds, I could tear my foes limb from limb, but there are many of other animals with more powerful bites. Gorillas, for example, can exert 1300 psi of pressure – nearly three times that of the strongest canine. Too bad I’d spend all my time shaving and eating bananas.
I give up. Eagle is leading the way for now, but I’d love to hear what you think. Which animal would you choose?